You say to your wife, 'honey if you can carry me to the car, I'll drive'. You are on top of the empire state building and you try to step on an ant and its really a brown Volvo on 34th street. You're so high your hair starts to hurt. You'd like to take an aspirin but

FUNNY QUOTES BY STEVEN WRIGHT "I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes..." "I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm

FUNNY QUOTES BY FAMOUS CELEBRITIES "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips . "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MONEY AND FINANCE "The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill." Peter Ustinov. "More and more these days I find myself pondering

A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L." The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!" Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like.

Many, many years ago When I was twenty-three I got married to a widow Pretty as could be. This widow had a grow-up daughter With flowing hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him a

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her. "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many

Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion ShitList 1.Taoism: Shit happens. 2.Confucianism: Confucius say, \"Shit happens.\" 3.Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn\'t really shit. 4.Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not. 5.Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening? 6

1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6.Farmer Bill Dies in House 7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8.I