Thomas G. Kyle
Los Alamos, New Mexico

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at one of the national laboratories. The element, tentatively named administratium (Ad), has no electrons or protons, thus having atomic number zero. It does, however, have one neutron, 75 associate neutrons, 125 deputy associate neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy associate neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that invokes the continuous exchange of mesonlike particles called memoons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it takes part. According to Dr. M. Languor, one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of administratium caused one reaction that normally occurs in less than a second to require over four days to go to completion.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes an internal reorganization in which associates to the neutron, deputy associates to the neutron, and the assistant deputy associates to the neutron all exchange places. A tendency has been observed for the atomic mass to actually increase during each reorganization.