The most important things in my world are to get food, drink and to love you

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid. May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

sum friends e worth bein thrown,sum r good 2keep,sume r 2 b treasured 4ever;i think u r the one 2 be thrown in the treasure box 2be kept 4ever wherever you go, whatever you do, you know ill always be there for you, so if youre alone, theres no

17. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family. 16. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 15. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer. 14. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 13.

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. 3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors. 4. Two words: Chicken suit. 5. Write th

☻Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. ☻I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... o

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" "Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her. "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked "What was wrong with it?" "It had way too many

1. Men are like ........Laxatives ....... They irritate the shit out of you. 2. Men are like ........ Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.. 4. Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One,

 IDIOTS & RETAILING I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she would not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it

FUNNY QUOTES FROM AMERICAN PRESIDENTS "I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." Jimmy Carter. "I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of a national emergen