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Confucius Says Confucius Says

Man with hands in other people's pockets, not feeling himself. Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!! Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom. Man wh

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5 stages of drunkeness 5 stages of drunkeness

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an inte

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Woman's translations Woman's translations

The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It's your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You'll pay for this later The wife says: We need t

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Women and man Women and man

WOMEN <=> MAN •    RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months af

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MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX -------------------- 01. Nothing improves with age. 02. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it. 03. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 04. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 05. No sex with anyone

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valentines day valentines day

8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning... i love you I am opening an emotional bank account for u sweetheart,so deposit your love in it and you will get the interest if i could die early i would ask God if i could be your guardian angel, so i could

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My Secret Valentine My Secret Valentine

My tongue hangs from a distance Oh if you only knew How many times I've fallen over While I've been watching you. You go about your business So blissfully unaware Of this hot and passionate woman Who can only dribble and stare. Your funny little grin And your co

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30 Ways To Annoy Other Drivers 30 Ways To Annoy Other Drivers

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit. 2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang. 3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors. 4. Two words: Chicken suit. 5. Write th

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How To Know If You Work In Corporate USA. How To Know If You Work In Corporate USA.

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. 2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization." 3. You refer to dating as test marketing. 4. You can spell "paradigm." 5. You actually know what a paradigm is. 6. You unders

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Mother's dictionary Mother's dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Family plan

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Quote sms Messages Quote sms Messages

☻To do ist to be (Socrates). To be is to do (Plato). Do be do be do (Sinatra) &

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Guide for all women Guide for all women

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY. I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY. I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED. I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO. Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT

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From Bad To Worse 2. From Bad To Worse 2.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Worse: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Worse: You're in them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cros

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funny sms-miscellaneous funny sms-miscellaneous

If a big fat man creeps into your bedroom one night and stuffs you into a bag, Then do not worry 'cause I told Santa I wanted you for christmas! Smilin is infexous u catch it lik d flu.wen sum1 smild at me 2day i startd smilin 2.now im infectd iv sent it thru

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Marriage quotes 04 Marriage quotes 04

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. -- Guitry Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. -- Borge Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy. An archaeologist is

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Absurd sms Messages Absurd sms Messages

☻Linux is like a wigwam, no windows, no gates and an apache inside …

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Evaluation comments Evaluation comments

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. AC

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I Know This Laywer I Know This Laywer

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you

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The guide for all men The guide for all men

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry. We need... = I want It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need

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Top 11 dog & cat characteristics Top 11 dog & cat characteristics

1. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you. 2. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash. 3. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life. 4. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak

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Why should you check your children\'s homework
Why should you check your children\'s homework Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in: See the picture attached. :-)) A first grade girl handed in the drawing, enclosed here, for a homework assignment. After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note: Dear Ms. Davis, I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shove
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