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Here are a few jokes and funny stories about women car drivers.   A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence. 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.' 'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.' 'Lady, I don't care who y

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in

I wooed a lady passing fair When I was young and courtly. I loved her lips, her eyes, her hair, Her figure pert if portly. I raised her to my saddle bow And pulled a muscle down below. She cried "Did we hear something go?" Unmanned by piercing pains, I thought I ought to l

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously look

A lady walked into the room to show hubby her new dress, She was a rather large lady - around forty two in the chest. The dress was cut really low - showed off her feminine shape, Her husband's eyes almost popped - all he could do was gape! "Where did you get that dress,

FUNNY QUOTES BY OSCAR WILDE "In married life three is company and two none." From 'The Importance of Being Earnest' 1895. "To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness." From 'T

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE During the firemen's strike o

LeRoy is a 20 year old 9th grader. This is LeRoy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence. Foreclose - If i pay aliomony this month, I'll have no money foreclose. Rectum - I had two cadillac's, but my ol'lady rectum both. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend c

Man with hands in other people's pockets, not feeling himself. Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!! Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom. Man wh

Each morning I go jogging thinking, "I'm as fit as in the past", But the lungs aren't what they used to be, my esophagus is tighter than my arse. So with every breath I strain and suck, and there's a pounding in my brain Imagine what it's like to struggle to keep u

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. Marriage is t

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes. However, I must share the following: After putting a sh

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at

FUNNY QUOTES FROM GEORGE W BUSH "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington,

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank th

Yo Mama's so fat if I put a firecracker up her ass, and it exploded she would be feeding kids in India for years Your momma is so fat she changed the phrase "One Size Fits All" to "One Size Fits Most"! Yo momma so fat that when I ran around her I got lost! Yo momma s

FUNNY WINSTON CHURCHILL QUOTES When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticise or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home. "A sheep in sheep's clothing" On Clement Atlee A modest man, who

You say to your wife, 'honey if you can carry me to the car, I'll drive'. You are on top of the empire state building and you try to step on an ant and its really a brown Volvo on 34th street. You're so high your hair starts to hurt. You'd like to take an aspirin but

I remember, I remember the night that I was born, It was dark and stormy, but I couldn't wait 'til morn. Dad went for the doctor, he was in bed fast asleep. He opened up one beady eye, and said. "I think she'll keep." But he was wrong because he was a silly old twi

One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70, walks into a lawyer's office. Apparently, they are there to file a divorce. Lawyer was very puzzled, after having a chat with them, he got their story.... This couple had been quarreling all their 40